Meet your Future Self.

Classic middle-aged mum names have been given a real kicking of late. First was Karen, which I used associate with a friendly primary school dinner lady, but is now apparently the embodiment of all that is evil in the world. Something tells me that not many babies will be called Karen in 2020. It now sits sadly alongside Keith, Neil, Barbara and Doris in the graveyard of baby names. RIP. And now, here we have Susan. Isn’t she a looker? And according to directlyapply, this is what we’re all going to end up looking like if we keep working remotely. As someone who has been WFH for about 4 months now and having only left the house on a handful of occasions, I take this incredibly personally. Pale and dull skin, check. Increased stress, check. Poor posture, check. Favourite goalkeeper, Cech. Maybe they’re on to something. But how did they know I had those pyjama bottoms?

iMask: Coming Soon.

Whether we like it or not, face masks appear to be here to stay for the foreseeable future. And barring a few nutters in Florida who so desperately want to breathe ‘God’s air’, people have generally taken to them relatively well. Although far too many people still seem to think that wearing it as a chinstrap will do the job. PSA: it won’t. But with masks now a part of everyday life, why not have a really fancy, clever mask? Japanese tech company Donut Robotics have started developing the “c-mask”, which will be able to make calls, record conversations, take meeting minutes, and even translate speech into 9 different languages. Ah great, another leap forward in our inevitable species-wide transition into cyborgs. But what’s really impressive, based on the end of their advert, is that it even seems to work on dogs! Maybe I’m a cynic for even asking this, but does a company lose at least a little bit of credibility when its ad closes on a clip of a mask-wearing beagle with an enormous ‘shutterstock’ watermark across it? Nah, not at all; just shut up and strap their mask on your face so you can speak Vietnamese.

Window Swapping.

Looking in strangers’ windows is not ok. Unless they’re doing something really interesting. No? Oh. No, it’s never ok. But thankfully looking out of them is completely fine. With travel opportunities pretty limited at the moment, Window Swap is offering people the chance to ‘open a new window somewhere else in the world’, as users from all around the globe have been submitting their own vistas. So now with just the touch of a button you can travel from Dundee to Jakarta (which also sounds a bit like a dodgy Swedish House Mafia remix). Basically, it’s Chatroulette but with more gardens and fewer predators. I had a go myself, excited to see which tropical land I would be taken to first. Hawaii, maybe? Thailand? Bora Bora? Nope, I got a second story view of a dreary street in Manchester overlooking what appears to be a school. Needless to say I was slightly disappointed. Plus I’m not sure it’s ever a great idea to have a school under constant surveillance, so maybe someone needs to talk to him about the Ts&Cs. But fortunately things got slightly more interesting as I was then transported to Argentina, India and Dubai. And there is actually surprisingly addictive about dropping into people’s front rooms unannounced. I can see how Santa got hooked.

Sim It To Win It.

The Sims as a reality show? What sort of pathetic losers are really going to be on this? Utter load of nonsense. Sorry what, the winner gets $100k? Sign me up! Na I was just joking in that first bit, you’ve got to respect the hustle of anyone who can get supremely wealthy while sitting around in their pants. Joke’s on them though. All that time sat behind a computer screen, they’ll look just like Susan in no time. Although I reckon Susan would probably look a bit more cheerful with 100 racks in her pocket, to be fair. Apparently the contestants will be using the game to weave complex narratives and will be judged on their story-telling abilities and creativity. There’s tears, drama and screaming – and that’s just when their parents shout “get off the f*cking computer!”. But overall, it looks positively gripping.

We Are 3R.

One of the most interesting things that’s happened during lockdown has been David Lynch fulfilling his dreams of becoming a YouTuber. He generally puts out extremely wholesome content such as daily weather reports and DIY videos, but he’s also been releasing some old work that had been archived. We covered the re-release of his 2002 series ‘Rabbits’ on coolsh*t a few weeks ago, basically concluding that it was incredibly strange and undoubtedly the work of a madman. Well he’s ramped up the weird another level this week, having released his 2011 short horror film ‘3Rs’. To give you a quick synopsis: a bloke called Pete has an indeterminate amount of rocks, a duck is brutally decapitated, and then Pete beats the squealing ground with a hammer. Fin. Tres artsy. But fortunately I identify first and foremost a thespian, so it makes complete sense to me. I won’t bother explaining it though, you wouldn’t get it anyway.

Ok Boomer: Lockdown Edition.

As we start to emerge from lockdown, we’re looking back at some of the main trends from the last few months. Hopefully you’ve had more zappy hours than zumpings, and you’ve spent more time assessing bookcase credibility than doomscrolling. And for the love of God, let’s hope you’re not a Karen.

We asked our SELFHOOD network to reveal the answers to our Gen Z lockdown pop quiz.

How many did you get?