Ride the Waves.

I don’t want to start this week’s coolsh*t on a downer, but I’m gonna do it anyway. The complete lack of travel opportunities at the moment is incredibly shit. Particularly in the last couple weeks, I’ve taken to the paradoxically soul-destroying activity of scrolling through my camera roll to try to re-live previous trips abroad from our perfect pre-pandemic past. But that wasn’t quite depressing enough, so to compile my wistfulness, I’ve also stumbled across Radio Garden. It lets you ‘travel’ to anywhere in the world – you simply spin the globe, select your desired destination, click one of the thousands of green dots, and you’ll be tuned into the local radio station. Ever wondered what’s on the radio in Minsk right now? No, of course you haven’t – nor had I. But it turns out there are some absolute Belarusian bangers that we’ve all been missing out on for all these years. It probably won’t scratch your insatiably itchy feet, but this is the closest to globetrotting we’re likely to get at the moment. But I hope you like Ed Sheeran, because you will quickly learn that he is playing absolutely f*cking everywhere.

A Stellar Combo.

Talk about a truly momentous meeting of minds. Stella Artois and Palace Skateboards released a very unexpected collab this week, and it’s one for the ages. Imagine rocking up to the pub for that first post-lockdown pint dressed head to toe in a full Stella suit, complete with custom wallet, umbrella and pint glass. Sure, Stella doesn’t exactly have the best reputation. Granted, it’s typically associated with angry, middle-aged blokes in vests with high expectations and short fuses. But that just adds to the glory of this combination. With so much of the fashion world characterized as snooty and detached from reality, this spits in the face of nouveau-chic high fashion designers who spend all their time tutting and enjoying underground avant-garde Parisian fingerpainting (or something like that). All items are dropping today, so hop on it if you want to look like the inside of a divorcee’s fridge.

Watch it!

Pints and football? Pee-yew! This week’s coolsh*t reeks of toxic masculinity. Well, that’s if you consider over-priced novelty clothing and a watch fit for a child to be masculine. Thinking about it, it’s not really at all, is it? Phew, that’s a relief. Anyway, Hublot have released a Premier League limited edition of their ‘Big Bang e’ smart watch, and it comes fully equipped with a suite of apps and functions that will bring joy to any football nerd’s heart. With exclusive access to the Hublot Loves Football app, the wearer will be alerted of any kick-off times, goals, penalties, substitutions, bookings, extra time, line-ups, VAR decisions and streakers. So basically all the stuff you can get on your phone, except now it’s on your wrist – the speed of progress is simply mind-boggling!! All just for a measly 5 grand as well. Because every hardcore football fan has a spare few thousand quid laying around. Come to think of it, this would go really well with that Stella suit…

Meet the MetaHumans.

If you’re a regular coolsh*t reader, you’ll know we have a penchant for sharing tech news that dances upon the precipice betwixt impressive and terrifying – and this week is no different. Meet the MetaHumans. A new cloud-streamed app from Epic Games will allow you to create your very own, hyper-realistic digital human being in just a matter of minutes. Using the so-called ‘Unreal Engine’ (bit cocky?), the software draws from an ever-expanding library of variants of human appearance and motion to create a uniquely convincing simulation. Once you’ve created your MetaHuman, they’re fully rigged and ready to go for animation or motion capture, thus making them the “next generation of digital humans”. Basically, nobody’s gonna need to bust out the plasticine to make the next Wallace and Gromit. They’re a bit like The Sims, just way creepier – and arguably slightly more impressive. So don’t worry if you haven’t seen your friends in months, because now you can spend your evenings chatting to a high-fidelity simulacrum designed in your image. And that doesn’t sound even the slightest bit like a dystopian nightmare.

Made for Stomping.

I’d like to think, pound-for-pound, I’m relatively fashionable. I’d describe my look as not so fashionable as to be noteworthy, but equally not so un-fashionable as to be in itself noteworthy. But occasionally I see something from the fashion world that reminds me how little I understand this peculiar cultural enclave. Remember those avant-garde finger-painting fashionistas from earlier? They’ve been at it again, and this time they’re coming dressed as monsters (from the thigh down). Florence-based emerging brand AVAVAV have unveiled their vision for the future of fashion this week, by virtue of some enormous, four-toed, monstrous boots. There’s more than meets the eye though (believe it or not), as the boots are representative of the brand’s commitment to sustainability, having been made entirely out of luxury scraps from neighbouring fashion houses. They might not be for you, but they sold out almost instantly, so keep an eye out for a size 0 girl walking around with size 19 shoes.

Playtime's Over.

It takes a certain type of person to look at a children’s Easter egg hunt and think, “this is nowhere near challenging enough”. I can picture it now: everyone’s having a lovely time at the family party, drinks are flowing, Daniel’s just finished his cello recital, and now it’s time for the traditional post-lunch Easter egg hunt. But when little Timmy finds his first sweet treat after barely trying, Uncle Derek goes berserk, flips the table and screams, “it’s too bloody easy! An idiot could have found that! Put the snickers down, you little sh*t, you haven’t earned it!!!”. Quite the harrowing experience for little Timmy, I’m sure. But that very same uncle obviously went on to have some serious pull in the corridors of power over at Mars, Inc., as Skittles are vowing to toughen up this next generation with an ‘impossible’ easter egg hunt. With fun-size bags camouflaged as tree bark, sand, grass, tarmac and even kitchen tile, the little bastards won’t stand a chance. Uncle Derek 1, little Timmy nil.