Player Eliminated.

If you still haven’t seen Squid Game, I’m sorry, but frankly you’ve now sacrificed the right to be upset about being subjected to any ‘spoilers’. Although, even more frankly, if you were surprised when people started getting shot, y’moron – so I’m not sure spoilers really apply for this show. But if you have seen it, the mere image of this little pigtailed freak will likely be enough to freeze you where you sit. In what can only be described as a part publicity stunt/part threat (new lockdown enforcement measure, perhaps?), a perfect replica of the “Red Light, Green Light” doll has landed in Sydney, Australia. Except rather than shooting any moving parties, it just gives them a bit of a red-eyed (metaphorical) death stare. Saying that, it has also been described as ‘fully functioning’, which seems incredibly misleading. Well, hopefully it’s misleading. Although I’m not sure why those two guards are necessary.

Losers Weepers.

You know when you hear a happy story and you don’t know whether to be glad for the person or to despise them with every fibre of your being? No? Just me? Well, tell me how you feel about this dear old lady in a moment. Having decided to do a spot of Autumn cleaning, a woman in her 70s in Northumberland found a diamond. Not just any diamond, but one that just so happens to be worth 2 million quid. And she said she almost threw it away, thinking it was part of a costume. There are no words. I might ask her to clean my room – see what she finds. It does beg the question, though, if she didn’t buy it and she doesn’t know where it came from, does that presumably mean some poor bastard has been walking around all these years lamenting the loss of their $2million diamond? It may be time to invoke the ancient ‘Finders Keepers’ clause.

The Dino Saw.

If I were to offer you a binary choice of ‘extinction, or non-extinction?’, you’d hope our survivalist instincts would make that a bit of a no brainer. If only it were that simple. Well, apparently it might be. But don’t just take my word for it, take it from an animated dinosaur voiced by Jack Black. As the Cop26 Climate Change Conference kicked off in Glasgow this week, the United Nations Development Programme (UNDP) released this film urging more climate action from global leaders. And that means from politicians, not sudden, out-of-character acts of magnanimity by certain bald billionaires. Bezos is really trying to fight that ‘supervillain’ label he’s got himself stuck with, isn’t he? Anyway, as Mr. T-Rex so eloquently puts it: “it’s time humans stopped making excuses and started making changes”. But that still doesn’t mean you ought to superglue yourself to the M25.

Burning Cash.

Supreme accessories will never not be at least a bit funny. Between the nunchuks, sled, fire extinguisher and house brick, Supreme have often been accused of preying on the pathological proclivities of their paying customers, essentially having them burn their hard-earned money. Or, more often, their parents’ hard-earned money. Now, Supreme are steering into that reputation, by getting hypebeasts across the world to do literally just that. Well, sort of. As part of a collaboration with Timberland, the New York skate brand are releasing a set of Duraflame firelighters. Stupid? Perhaps. But, if you do happen to use them and things get out of hand, you wouldn’t feel quite so silly for having bought that Supreme fire extinguisher last year. The most mental thing about this, though, is that people are absolutely eating it up. Is there anything Supreme could release that wouldn’t immediately sell out? We’re about 3 years away from a box logo colostomy bag at this rate.

Micro Caravanning.

No, micro caravanning isn’t just a cost-efficient summer holiday for a family of dwarves. Introducing the QTVan. Designed by Yannick Read and the Environmental Transport Association (ETA), it measures in at just 2.39m in length and 1.53m in height, making it the world’s smallest ever caravan. The name is derived from 3 favoured British interests: queuing, tea, and caravanning. Plus, well, ‘cutie’. I don’t want to lose my citizenship, but I can say fairly certainly that I only enjoy one of those things. And even then I’d probably prefer a latte. You may assume that, on account of its size, the QTVan isn’t terribly comfortable. However, you’d be wrong. Unless you’re Peter Crouch, in which case it might be a bit tight. But it comes with all the essential material comforts: a 19″ television, a minibar, a full-size bed to fit one person, some bookshelves, an alarm clock, and, of course, a kettle. And that’s just the basic model. If you want to pay a bit extra for the luxury package, you can add to that list: solar roof panels, an air horn and extra-wide wing mirror for the attached mobility scooter, a satellite dish, a gaming console, central heating, and an external luggage rack. What more could you possibly want?

Basquiat Brats.

This week saw a nationwide, collective, melancholic sigh as each of us reached for our thick winter coats for the first time in about 8 months. But it’s alright, we tell ourselves, because that means Christmas is just around the corner. Granted, some people choose to bitch and moan about Christmas songs already being on the radio and twinkly lights appearing around town centres while we’ve barely creeped into November. But clearly those people have never tried Tesco’s ‘Turkey & Trimmings’ sandwich, which ought to remain year-round. Delicious sandwiches aside, we’ve been given a glimpse of how the 0.1% count down to Christmas this week, courtesy of this newly-released advent calendar from Tiffany’s & Co. It’s a Jean-Michel Basquiat painting and holds 24 pieces of jewellery behind each door. Really makes you feel a certain type of way if you were one of the ‘lucky’ kids who received the advent calendar that just had vaguely religious pictures behind each door without a chunk of chocolate in sight. But I don’t even want to imagine the type of kid that gets given this monstrosity.