Catch of the Day.

Barry Keoghan in a puffer. Cole Palmer in a duffle. Cara Delevingne in a shearling. Is this a nightmare blunt rotation? Absolutely. But it’s also the line-up for Burberry’s autumn campaign, ‘It’s Always Burberry Weather’ (especially when it’s raining money).  

The stills are in line with what Burberry have been putting out over the last couple years, and they work just fine – even if Cole Palmer looks like he’s in a perpetual state of ‘just-realised-he-left-a-chicken-in-the-oven-ness’ – but it’s the vignettes that really do the heavy lifting.  

Directed by New York-based duo Rubberband, the series of shorts plays to the strengths of each brand ambassador. Keoghan’s running lines while ponderously staring into the distance with his impossibly blue eyes. Eze’s carrying a less-talented supporting cast. And Palmer’s sitting in a fishing chair thinking about literally nothing for 9 minutes. Somehow that one’s actually my favourite. Rumour has it he’s still there. 

Fowl Play.

Poultry perspicacity or paltry performativity? Is this a bold move? Or is it just… chicken?  

There’s a fine line between listening to your audience and yielding to consumer behaviour. La Vieille Ferme are treading along that line transfixed as if it were drawn in chalk (any chicken hypnotists or avian satirists out there know what we’re talking about). As a tribute to their linguistically-challenged core consumers, this week La Vielle Ferme re-branded as ‘The Chicken Wine’ for a limited edition release in Sainsbury’s.   

Britain may have denuded itself of the Chagos Islands in an act of geopolitical seppuku, but due to its native speakers’ apparent unwillingness or inability to utter even one vaguely foreign-sounding syllable, the dominant lingua franca maintains its grasp on global hegemony. Even if that last sentence included a bit of Japanese, Italian and Greek. Existence is contradictory.  

Personal Space Bar.

Do you love work and hate personal space? Say no more. Google Japan have designed a Janus-inspired, double-sided, twisted Gboard so multiple people can type or code at once. Business in the front, business in the back; it’s like if Billy Ray Cyrus was less of a laugh. 

Here’s a crazy idea. What about… two keyboards? It’s not like they can’t afford it. I’m pretty sure Google are worth more than most countries. If all their employees were willing to take up arms they’d have a slightly larger (yet presumably less effective) army than Germany.  

Just imagine the tension as you and one of your Stakhanovite comrades delicately brush fingers while reaching for the same key. You jolt back. Then it happens again. This time you let your hand linger. They do the same. You lock eyes. For that one, brief, fleeting moment, the world stands still and nothing else matters. Could this be… love? Then your supervisor hits you in the back of the head with a double-sided keyboard and tells you to get back to work.  

Tireless Work.

When I get my car serviced, I usually leave feeling violated and skint, but apparently Kwik Fit customers “drive away happy every time”.  

You’re probably wondering how KwikFit live up to such lofty claims. Do they tickle you? Do they tell you a joke? Do they remind you that nothing is real, life is magical and we’re all going to die, so why care? No, they don’t do any of that. They do something even more revolutionary. They service your car… without trying to rip you off. They change your tires… if they actually need changing. They fix your driveshaft… without shafting you.  

This all sounds too good to be true. Could I get something in writing? How about a money-back-guarantee? I haven’t been happy since 2016, so I fancy my chances. 

Hand of Dog.

Advertising doesn’t need to be complicated. If you want a winning brand strategy… just add dogs. Boom. See you at Cannes. Mine’s a chicken wine. 

Espanyol FC used their platform for good by walking out with abandoned dogs ahead of their La Liga clash with RCD Mallorca at the weekend. The club were raising awareness for their campaign, ‘Los pericos no abandonen!’, which translates to, ‘The parakeets don’t abandon!’. I imagine it’s catchier and less amusing in Spanish. 

Hats off. Every single one of those players deserves a great big sloppy kiss from Luis Rubiales. However, this all seems very nice and all, but what they haven’t shown you is that 11 children were left crying in the tunnel after finding out they’d been relieved off their mascot duties by Fido and Rover. 

Carbon Positivity.

I felt compelled to include this story purely out of respect for the unusual path by which it wheedled its way into my algorithm. The honour of informing me about Uber’s new carbon-negative pub fell to the ‘Schooner Scorer’, a sinewy posh bloke who definitely works in finance and swans about London rating beers.  

55k Tonnes, which Uber named after the 55,000 tonnes of carbon they’ve saved since 2021, is a pub where customers can pedal on a stationary bike to generate energy whilst sipping a pint. Grab one of those wide-eyed finance blokes after their fifth mysterious trip to the bogs and they could probably power a whole village for a week. Charging while charging. That’s a cyclical economy.  

We haven’t even mentioned the best bit. If the excitement of being a paragon of environmental virtue goes to your head and you accidentally get leathered, Uber will even give you half price off a cab home. Fortunately I have a self-driving car so never have to worry about that. At least I think it’s self-driving.