Ad Astra.

From Milan to the moon, Prada have just given the world (and perhaps soon, other worlds) a first look at the spacesuits they designed with Axiom for NASA’s upcoming Artemis mission.

This might seem strange, but really it’s the next logical development of a long-standing trend. Starting with Christian Dior’s collaboration with Air France in 1951 and then emulated by the likes of Coco Chanel, Pierre Cardin, Cristobal Balenciaga, Valentio Garavani, Pierre Balmain, Giorgio Armani, high fashion designers have been kitting out airlines for decades. But these days air travel is less haute couture and more pretzels, crying babies and hand luggage size limits. When premium becomes provincial, you have to aim higher.

And this is just the start. Before long we’ll be seeing SpaceX astronauts stepping foot on Mars wearing MAGA-branded helmets. That final word was chosen very deliberately.

Smiles Per Gallon.

Speaking of terrifying gargoyles, spooky season is upon us.

By all accounts, Los Angeles has gone down the pan over the last few years. And by all accounts, we of course mean almost exclusively according to manosphere conservatives talking to Jordan Peterson and Joe Rogan about red meat and the woke mind virus.

LA has the highest rates of homelessness in the US, yet the median house price is $1.2million. It’s illegal not to recycle, but smoking crack outside a playground will only elicit a stern talking-to. It’s a hive of scarily profound contrasts. But Smile 2 have decided to make it just that little bit scarier.

In a crafty guerilla campaign using some strategically placed stickers, cars have been spotted around the city carrying the grinning visage of Ray Nicholson (no paternity test needed). It’s simple, but it got people talking. And that’s surprising, because you’d think a cold, lifeless, vacant, vapid smile would be de rigueur for LA.

Crocker Spaniels.

You’ve heard of elf on a shelf…

In the latest step on their journey from old man gardening shoes to globally hegemonic cultural icons, Crocs have just released a new range of clogs… for dogs.

You might be wondering, who even asked for this? Well, loads of people, apparently. According to Crocs, this is one of the most-requested products in the brand’s history.

Give the people what they ask for… even if what they’re asking for is a bit weird. And all just for $50. But can you really put a price on the indignity of going for a dog walk in matching shoes with your Bichon Frisé?

Swede Mango Avocado Radish Tofu.

It’s an oft-asserted truism that brands need to stand for something. “Those who don’t will fall for anything” blah blah, waffle waffle, we’re dead nice, buy our shit etc. But it doesn’t all have to be pharisaic virtue-signalling and perfunctory performativity. Tesco have decided to stand… for themselves. Ayn Rand approves.

Tesco’s new campaign drops the logo in favour of fresh produce standing in for each letter. It’s divided opinion, with some critics objecting that too much is left to the audience’s interpretation. Granted, you could argue that ‘oyster mushroom’ standing for ‘O’ is slightly stretching the concept and requires an unreasonable degree of fungal knowledge – but that’s exactly what they want you to think!

It forces you to engage, pause a moment, and work out some of the more cryptic clues for a little feeling of reward once you crack it. Gold star for you.

Anyone arguing that consumers are incapable of deciphering such a simple message must have an incredibly low opinion of their fellow humans. If we had another 3 hours we could explore the possibility that your feelings about this ad may be contingent upon whether you’re more Rousseauean or Hobbesian, but we’ll spare you.

Giga Pig.

Do you ever look at your toaster and think… ‘I wish you loved me’?

Our happiness as a species has become hopelessly dependent upon technology. Casio have decided to turn the tables. Now it’s time for technology to depend on us.

Introducing Moflin: a pet robot that uses AI to develop feelings for its owners using what Casio calls a 2D Emotion Express Map. When you stroke, hold, and talk to Moflin, it becomes happy. When you pay no attention to it, it starts to feel negative emotions and updates its emotional log data accordingly. There’s an outdated joke in there somewhere.

So, if you you want one more thing in your life that you can disappoint, look no further. But if you’re still getting over the death of your Tamagotchi 20 years ago, might be best to give this a miss.

In it to Wien it.

Legend has it Leon Trotsky, Joseph Tito, Sigmund Freud, Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler all lived within spitting distance – and they would – of one another in the same Viennese neighbourhood. Oh, to be a fly on some of those walls. Speaking of which…

Kuchen to kirchen, schnitzel to schnaps, kunst to… never mind… the Vienna Tourist Board’s new campaign stars a gadfly exploring some of the sights of Austria’s capital, before finally meeting its demise and ascending to the great steaming pile of excrement in the sky. But doesn’t Vienna look lovely? You had me at mummy… I mean Freud… shit.

But remember: this an advert. It’s not real. Don’t be surprised if they’ve rounded off some of the city’s harder edges. Usually we wouldn’t feel the need to offer such an obvious addendum, but it’s been brought to our attention that some geniuses are upset that the new season of ‘Emily in Paris’ (confusingly set in Rome) isn’t an entirely accurate representation of the city. What a tremendous shock that Netflix decided to leave out all the pickpockets, litter and Giorgia Meloni shouting about migration.