Safety First.

We don’t want to bang on about the Jaguar re-brand… but we’re gonna. Last week we wondered whether it might all be a bait-and-switch style ruse, but it looks like they’re doubling down. In fact, Jaguar boss Rawdon Glover – what a name, by the way – has described the negative reaction as “vile hatred and intolerance”. Remind me to use that one next time someone critiques my work. No, the strapline isn’t shit – you’re just a bigot.

Volvo decided to take a different route – the main difference being that they actually show the car. Revolutionary. The cinematographer behind Oppenheimer and Interstellar, Hoyte van Hoytema – again, great name – tells the story of a first-time father and his daughter, guiding us through the pivotal moments of her life, from birth to adulthood, before closing on her mercifully not getting splattered into a zebra crossing by “the safest Volvo ever”.

Nah. Hate it. Why even bother constructing a beautifully-framed, considered, emotive narrative based on a key product benefit when you could have space-age Teletubbies and cliched pomposity?

Raising the Steak Bakes.

Let’s peel back the layers on the beautiful onion that is coolsh*t for a moment. This week’s shortlist for potential material included: a banana selling for $6.24million, celebrities canoodling with robots and a Swiss church installing an AI-powered Jesus. But whenever we tried to write about those stories we started coming across all Ted Kaczynski – so we’re talking sausage rolls instead. But not just any sausage rolls… Greggs sausage rolls.

We were going to say that Greggs are a quintessential British institution but given the current state of actual British institutions I’m not sure that would come across as the compliment it was intended to be. This week the nation’s favourite bakery released some limited-edition Top Trumps, pitting their menu items against one another in a civil war based on the categories of fame, mouthfuls, socials score and flake factor.

Just think of the mouthwatering potential matchups. Steak Bake vs. Breakfast Baguette. Sausage Bean and Cheese Melt vs. Pepperoni Pizza. Mexican Chicken Oval Bite vs. Americano. That last one probably kicked off after the Americano threatened to impose 25% tariffs on the Mexican Chicken. Art imitates life. Top Trumps indeed.

Go Hard or Go Homer.

Whether it’s Jason capturing the golden fleece, Heracles slaying the Erymanthean Boar, Bellerophon soaring on Pegasus or Theseus plunging his short sword into Asterion the minotaur, Greece isn’t exactly short on heroes. But that last one takes on a different complexion when you discover that the minotaur was actually an innocent, abandoned child condemned just for being what’s in his nature. Plus Jason abandoned his wife, Heracles murdered his and Bellerophon copped off with somebody else’s. And don’t even get us started on Oedipus, the dirty bugger. Come to think of it, these heroes are trash. We need some new ones.

…and then a gyro comes along. Introducing Nikos Tsatsaklas. He ran a marathon. That’s quite impressive, but I’m not sure anything that people can do while wearing a dinosaur costume can be considered heroic. He’s also 72. Ok, that’s getting closer, but RFK Jr. is 70 and he’s absolutely jacked – must be all the raw milk – so we still can’t grant Nikos heroic status quite yet. He’s also blind. Ding ding ding! That’s good enough for us.

Following in the footsteps of Pheidippides (but in reverse, for some reason) Nikos ran from Athens to Marathon as part of Reebok’s new ‘Stories of Movement’ film series. Kudos. So, next time you’re feeling smug about your Sunday morning 5k, remember you ain’t shit.

Optimus Grime.

Speaking of heroes, Chip’s here to save the grime scene – again. We’re getting into French Fifth Republic territory at this point. But why now? He must have seen that Giggs x Oatly collab last week and decided enough was enough. Kidding, obviously – although the timing is suspect.

Filmed in a corner shop with features from a veritable laundry list of pirate radio legends including D Double E, Skepta, JME and more, suddenly it’s 2009 again and everything’s going to be fine forever. I’m telling my kids these were the Avengers.

The reaction has been near-universally positive, but everyone’s asking the same question: ‘Where’s Wiley?’… before 3 seconds later all collectively realising, ‘oh yeah… that’s why’.

The Iceman Cometh.

Is there anything Erling Haaland can’t do? Well, except have a shot on target whenever I’ve stuck a tenner on the SkyBet super boost.

Manchester City’s number 9 has just been launched as the face, and particularly ears, of Beats’ latest campaign. The noise cancellation will come in handy when FPL managers shout abuse at him after another blank as City’s barren run continues and Pep tears chunks out of his own face.

From chopping wood to performing pull-ups on the side of a mountain, from ice-baths to wolf-side meditation, the ad takes us to the heart of the stunning Norwegian countryside to offer a glimpse of Haaland’s unorthodox training regime. Well, they said it was unorthodox. Add in a backwards run, a Zyn and some Nietzsche and you’ve basically got my standard Tuesday morning.

The Main Driver.

You may have noticed the distinct lack of Christmas campaigns in coolsh*t over the last few weeks, which is surprising, because they’ve been literally everywhere f*cking else. Their absence hasn’t been due to some sort of half-rationalised moral stance or pseudo-principled act of minor dissent – although that would be up our street – but simply because of the overwhelming number of choices. It’s like when you go to a fancy restaurant with an intimidatingly extensive menu so panic and just end up ordering the pea soup and a tiramisu.

But now we’re going to will ourselves into the Christmas spirit, even if it kills us – which it well might. Putting twinkly lights on a roof can be dangerous work, especially if you insist on doing it with one arm stuffed inside an emu.

Amazon enlisted the help of serious actor, Adam Driver, to celebrate what Christmas is all about: commerce. He conducted a series of dramatic readings of absurd but genuine Amazon product reviews, including this one for a banana slicer that saved a marriage.

Shit. This is a Black Friday ad, isn’t it? Why’s he got a pissing Christmas tree behind him then?! It’s ‘Holidays’ at least, so we’re leaving it in.