Going Postal.

Christmas ads tend to play on the same old tropes. Families laughing. Children playing. Snow falling. Drinks are being poured. Turkeys are getting gobbled. Joy, merriment, good will to all. You know, proper sickening stuff. They do not, however, usually feature a drug-addicted reindeer abusing subordinates and trying to get off with Pomeranians… but they do now.

The Norwegian Postal Service have depicted the rise and fall of Rudolph the Red (and perhaps sometimes white) Nosed Reindeer as he loses himself to the intoxicating allure of fame. It’s a story of hamartia, hubris and pathos – and let’s not forget Dasher and Blitzen.

Contrary to all the prevailing wisdom that can be found in a vapid LinkedIn influencer’s ChatGPT-written post, the brand doesn’t even show up until 3 minutes and 46 seconds into the ad. Does it violate some supposed maxims about watch time, retention rates and brand visibility? Maybe. But all I know for sure is that I just sat through an unreasonably long advert for a service in another country which I’ll likely never use – and I regret nothing.

Jingle Hell.

You might think that last advert isn’t really in the spirit of Christmas. Maybe you’re a traditionalist; a real Michael Bublé, King’s Speech, figgy pudding, crosses in the bottom of the sprouts type. And maybe you’re right. Maybe we don’t need to approach literally everything with such sneering cynicism. Maybe it’s time we change our ways… starting next year, because Duolingo’s Christmas ad about kidnapping a child’s parents is too good to miss out on.

The language-learning app just dropped its debut holiday album, Owl on the Prowl, on Spotify. The standout track, Bring My Parents Back, tells the story of Timmy, a boy whose parents are abducted after he fails to practice his Spanish with the proper assiduity that would behove any self-respecting 7-year-old.

Some context might help here. Duolingo’s owl mascot was memed for its passive aggressively pushy prompts, and as a result came to organically take on a rather menacing persona. Where other brands might have either ignored or pushed back, Duolingo leant in – and this video probably represents the apogee of that ascent into madness. So next time you think about letting your streak lapse, just remember that Duo is always watching. If you don’t want to learn a language for the increased cognitive ability, cultural awareness or employability prospects… do it to save your parents.

Katz Got Your Tongue.

Katz’s delicatessen is an iconic New York institution – so much so that I reckon I could reel off the entire menu from memory despite having never been there and currently sitting over 3500 miles away. What makes this doubly impressive is that Katz gained their global reputation without having done any advertising since opening in 1888… until now.

Nicholas Heller – better known as New York Nico – for reasons presumably only known to him and his remarkably tolerant bride-to-be, wanted to get married in Katz’s. He asked, Katz agreed, but on one condition: that he make them an ad.

Shot in one day and starring Dave of @OldJewishMen as both himself and his twin brother (hopefully he got paid twice), the ad promotes Katz’s new nationwide shipping offer – no reindeer required.

Finally, something to unite all Americans. Because who needs shared moral values and a cohesive foreign policy when everyone from Alaska to Maine can nibble on some day-old pastrami? Plus it seems appropriate that the “nationwide” offer includes Canada, which based on recent comments may be about to become America’s 51^st state.

Poetic Justice.

You know who’s having a good Christmas this year? Dr. John Cooper Clarke. This must be at least the fifth brand deal we’ve seen him secure in the last few months. Take your turkey crown and stuff it, it’s a full bird year for the good doctor.

While the utter ubiquity of an ambassador may undermine any one brand’s ability to leverage them as an asset, in this case it kind of makes sense. Poetry as a medium can be used to tell and celebrate the story of any brand, and Dr. Clarke’s style lends itself particularly well to finding profundity within the provincial. That must be why the powers that be at Co-op enlisted the Bard of Salford to write and perform an ode to the Co-op Live in Manchester, where he’ll be headlining in March to become the UK’s first ever arena poet.

Ambitious? Maybe. But so’s running a company that offers sausages, car insurance and funerals all under one roof. Ambition is in the Co-op’s DNA. And possibly e.Coli in the sandwiches. But as far as I’m concerned anyone who freely chooses prawn mayo and subsequently feels unwell probably got what they deserved.

Face Off.

If there’s one thing the celebrity boxing trend has taught us, it’s that the worst part of a fight is often the fight itself. 9 times out 10, the promo’s way more entertaining. Why would anyone want to watch two trained athletes at the top of their game bring the sweet science to life when we could watch a steroid-addled influencer rip his shirt off, insult his opponent’s mother and flip a table? We don’t want sport; we want a circus.

Professional boxing was left with two choices: either they could puritanically denigrate the entertainment era, or they could embrace the chaos. Turki Alalshikh’s Riyadh Season have spent the last few years treading the line perfectly between those two extremes to appeal to a new generation of fans without pissing off the purists. And all it took was some careful planning, strategic thinking, and literally bottomless amounts of money. Who knew?

Riyadh Season have been investing heavily in high-concept, high-budget trailers for a while now, but this latest promo for the upcoming Usyk vs. Fury II fight may be their best yet. Oleksandr Usyk shouting at a Tyson Fury-shaped chicken sausage is pure theatre. It almost seems a shame they have to go punch each other in the face now. Make content, not war.

Planet of the Apes: The Musical.

What’s it going to take to make you care about the environment? An opera-singing chimpanzee? A tiger skin talking with Ray Winstone’s voice? If so, then this must have been quite the transformative week for you.

The climate debate is often obfuscated by virtue-signalling buzzword bullsh*t about inconsequential green bins and unachievable net zero targets. Framing the argument around maintaining rather than decimating habitats and biodiversity makes for a far more compelling pitch. And in this case, that pitch happens to be a tenor.

The Royal Ontario Museum in Toronto launched the latest chapter in its ‘Immortal’ series with a CGI chimp singing ‘Una furtiva lagrima’ by Gaetano Donizetti while exploring the world and its place in it. Cursed with the desire to understand the universe yet not equipped with the ability to do so, this feels like an apt enough allegory for what we’re all doing on this planet. Maybe minus the singing – but I don’t know what you get up to in your spare time.