Rock Hoppers.

Mens sana in corpore sano. Or, for the non-Latin speakers among you, of which I imagine there are at least a couple, ‘a sound mind in a sound body’. When the Roman satirist Juvenal – who in spite of his name was actually rather mature – coined that aphorism, not even in his wildest dreams could he have imagined it would one day form the founding acronym for a Japanese running trainer brand. He probably didn’t even know what 3 of those 4 words meant.

To clumsily mix a metaphor: ASICS have turned their hand at almost everything when it comes to performance footwear, from marathon super shoes to skate kicks. Now, you can add rock star sneakers to that list. Then check it twice.

Scientists and researchers at the ASICS Institute of Sport Science (ISS) analysed the on-stage movements of Taka, lead singer of Japanese rock band One Ok Rock to create the ASICS-ONE, an orthopaedic slip-on scientifically engineered for optimal performance and longevity. Pop Mick Jagger in a pair of these and he can probably keep goose-stepping and pelvic thrusting his way around the stage until he’s 140. I would like to see the scientific methodology behind the flames, though.

Sinking Feeling.

The other day as I felt myself overcome with the most intolerably palpable consternation at the prospect of my bumpy Lime bike ride decarbonating the bottle of Pet Nat optimistically stowed in the basket, I realised I should probably be worrying about things that people actually care about, like, I dunno, world peace, or something. Or climate change? Yes, that’s perfect! Let’s care about climate change today!

We’ve covered plenty of kit launches in coolsh*t this year, but never one quite like this. The Marshall Islands is the only one of the 193 UN member states without an officially recognised national football team. They’ve got the players, a federation and a home ground, but the glacial nature of whatever Kafkaesque, bureaucratic process is required for confirmation has seen them perpetually left on read. And with rising sea levels set to submerge the islands by 2040, time is very much not on their side – unlike Mick Jagger.

The kit launch drew attention to the urgency of the nation’s struggle for recognition with a campaign in which the kit literally disappeared, piece by piece, in each post. Over to you, FIFA. I’m sure they’ll do the right thing. They seem like a sensible, diligent, incorruptible bunch.

Fake News.

They say fake it until you make it. Telfar disagree. They say make it until you fake it.

They gave real bags to counterfeit dealers to sell on Canal Street (AKA the “epicentre of counterfeit bag sales in the USA”). If you can’t beat them, join them. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. How many other clichés can we squeeze in here? They’re just the gifts that keep on giving. Alright, that’ll do.

Kudos to Telfar Clemens for making his product more accessible to a younger audience who usually wouldn’t be able to afford it. A true man of the people – which is probably a good image to project at a time when Luigi Mangione-inspired ‘Eat the Rich’ fervour appears to be reaching a cacophonous fever pitch crescendo.

Human, All Too Human.

The rapid proliferation of AI has given rise to fears about our seemingly inevitable species-wide obsoletion. But that dystopian fear is necessarily predicated on a pejorative interpretation of our insouciant somnambulism toward extirpation. A campaign in San Francisco has caused some controversy with a novel hot take: maybe humans aren’t all that, anyway.

AI startup Artisan littered the Golden City with a barrage of billboards reading “Stop Hiring Humans” – and people are suitably horrified. The picture of someone slumped against the ad on a bus shelter has attracted particular ire. Never has a single image better encapsulated the stark juxtaposition inherent in the current make-up of San Francisco: a place of the most profound contrasts, home to Silicon Valley billionaires living shoulder-to-shoulder with people going to the toilet in the street.

When asked about the campaign, Artisan CEO Jaspar Carmichael-Jack said, “I actually don’t think people should stop hiring humans.” Great, thanks for wasting our time. But the point was to get people talking, and it worked. It appears to be working on us right now, in fact. We can’t help ourselves. We’re too imperfectly irrational. But in our defence, we’re only human.

Cock Up.

Right, let’s see if we can make it the whole way through this without making any cheap jokes. Deep breath.

With RFK Jr. soon to be at the helm (that was close) of the Department of Health, the breakfast cereal industry has been put firmly on notice. Very soon, every US citizen will wake up to a breakfast of state-mandated steak and eggs with a stiff (stop it) glass of raw milk. But this week Kellogg’s clapped back – with a massive cockerel.

The iconic mascot appeared in 3D for the first time like some sort of swaggering Godzilla to trample over a city and encourage people everywhere to start their day with a delicious bowl of sugar, seed oils, and fortified pyridoxine hydrochloride. Morning glory indeed. Damn, so close. Probably for the best. All that self-suppression was giving me an ulcer.

Milking It.

Another brand RFK will be looking to consign to the ash heap of history: Oatly. But this time he’s got more than just a big chicken to contend with. Now he’s got to go to war with Santa Claus. In fact, he’s up against 31 of the big jolly bastards.

In an entirely unbiased experiment, Oatly filled what appears to be the function room of a Holiday Inn with the most unhinged Santas they could get their sanctimonious little mitts on. The Santas were then presented with a choice: milk and cookies or Oatly and croquembouche. And you’ll never guess what these Oatly-employed Santas in this Oatly-scripted video chose? Oatly. It’s a Christmas bloody miracle.

Let this be a reminder that tradition isn’t everything. Ditch the turkey and surprise your family this Christmas with a festive stuffed mushroom. They won’t thank you, but at least they can feel like upstanding paragons of environmentally-conscious moral virtue while they vomit into their stockings.